In Which I learn to use a Siphon and Let Homeless Guys Watch My Kids

The last two weeks between our HHG shipment going out and ourselves actually going out, were spent at my parent's house since we had no furniture. They were so kind to let three boys, J and I, and our dog Polo into their calm, quiet, clean house. Obviously the second we arrived it was no longer any of those things, but they let us stay nonetheless. The military allows for per diem to start 10 days prior to travel OCONUS ( out of continental US) because most people need to stay in a hotel and travel to do last minute errands required by the DOD. We chose to stay with family instead to try and maximize the time we spent with them, though we rarely actually saw them. We used literally every spare second to tie up loose ends, ship our vehicle over, get things in order to close our house, say our goodbyes and make last minute purchases. Luckily the area was hit by a big (for us here in the South, 2 inches) snowstorm that literally snowed us in for a few days and required us to sit by the fire, watch movies, and work puzzles. It was heavenly. I literally took pictures of us all doing that with my parents ( Nene and Pop) so I could remember exactly how cozy it was. In contrast to that cozy image, there is dropping of the van for shipment over to Europe.

Dropping off the vehicle was an event unto itself. The closest place to drop it off is Atlanta, Georgia, about 4 hours from me. My sweet friend Shea said she would drive to Atlanta with her two adorable boys, spend the night with us, and drive us home once we dropped the van off. It was just Big, Middle and myself, so we left early on Monday and had a pleasant drive over with no issues. We checked into the hotel, met up with Shea and her boys, and hit the giant aquarium they have in the ATL. The boys had a great time and we saw whale sharks, something that Middle has always said will make his life complete, so it was a total win.

Afterward, we headed back to the hotel and hit up the manager's special, ate dinner and headed upstairs to let the boys play. And hit the manager's special. And hit the manager's special. After all the stress, being able to sit and have a glass of wine was beyond nice. Except that I had to get up EARLY the next day to turn the car in. Very EARLY. As in you shouldn't hit the manager's special the night before early. Sweet Shea took all the boys to breakfast while I rolled myself painfully out of bed and headed to the POV (personally owned vehicle) drop off. It is over on the southside of Atlanta and you have to pass the Federal Penitentiary to get there, so it's obvs super classy. The car has to be extremely clean prior to drop off (so you don't ship foreign soil and microbes over to another country) so I found an open carwash, checked that box off the long list of requirements to make the car shipable, and headed to the office. And as soon as I pulled up I realized I had left all the massively important paperwork I had so diligently completed (and fought with Honda to acquire) at the gift shop where I bought my hangover Gatorade. Histerical crying and a mournful phone call later, sweet Shea drove over the paperwork and saved me.

While I was waiting for the paperwork, the very kind and patient folks at the drop off office came and gave me the preliminary ok of the inside and outside of the van, but said I had too much fuel. You can't ship a vehicle with more than a 1/4 tank and even though I hadn't filled up since my hometown, I still had a half a tank.  So off I went to drive off the gas. And drove. And drove. And drove. I started to panic since I had promised Shea that I would get her kids back in time for their sports practice that evening. Nervous about how long it would take to get rid of my fuel, I called my ever ready J who suggested getting a siphon. Great plan. AutoZone had one and I quickly ran to the parking lot to fix my little fuel problem. Who can see where this ends? I had never used a siphon before ( Who uses siphons? Seriously) and this one conveniently came with no instructions, so I guessed. After 5 min of pumping and still no gas, I went back in to ask the AutoZone guy. His first question (asked in an overly judgy way in my personal opinion) was, " Are you doing that in the parking lot? That's totally not allowed and fines and environment and blah blah blah. Oh and that won't work on your car anyway, it's got a screen on it to prevent your gas from getting stolen". Thanks for ruining my life gas thieves. So back to driving I went. Finally, after about 1.5 hours, I was at the acceptable 1/4 tank level and I was allowed to proceed to the next part of the process which was watch Judge Joe Brown re-runs in the waiting room for about 2 hours while who knows what was going on offically in the office.

**SIDE NOTE: J actually appeared on Judge Joe Brown in his younger days and I will provide a king's ransom for anyone who can find the episode**

The Honorable Judge Joe Brown

By this time Shea had kept the boys busy all day with laser tag, bumper cars, and snacks for the entire day by herself and we were creeping close to the time we had to leave. I hustled the office folks and they kindly moved me up in line for the full car inspection. This is where they go over every inch of your car and document every scratch, dent, mark, handprint, goldfish, and yogurt stain on your car. I have three children. This process was very long. The gentleman who was doing it did an amazing job and went super fast. As long as the entire process was, every person there was kind and polite. After the full car inspection, I grabbed my copy of the report and raced to Shea's waiting car. We were about 15 minutes behind the time we absolutely had to leave to make practice. Whew. We did it! And then the heavens opened and 4:00 came and the entire population of Atlanta drove home from work. Getting stuck in stop and go traffic for about 45 minutes sealed our fate about making it in time for practice and was just stomach turning enough to cause one child to vomit all over the back of the car. Yup, for real, the dreaded car vomit.

We pulled off at the nearest exit and everyone poured out of the car. The non-vomit boys ran around like children possessed screaming at the top of their lungs and the poor sick kid looked green and miserable in the back seat. Lucky for Shea and I, several homeless men were standing right where we pulled off and were super helpful. While Shea tended to the car and I ran inside to buy cleaning supplies, the homeless guys kindly watched the other kids. You read that correctly. The homeless guys watched our kids. We were desperate and reckless women at this point. They also picked up all the vomit covered items and kindly bagged them up for us and offered us in turn: garbage bags, wipes, air freshener, and beer. We cleaned the mess, thanked the homeless babysitters, gave them some cash, and headed home. All in all the return trip took approximately 8 hours in total, but we accomplished our goal and our van was headed to Germany. However it took approximately 24 hours before I enjoyed the company of children again and I'm seriously considering finding those guys and offering them a full time gig should they be avaliable.